


i only lie when i wish it was the truth

by longituddeonda



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, Love Confessions, Unhappy, me taking a single negative part of javiers personality and writing a fic on it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24987607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longituddeonda/pseuds/longituddeonda
Summary: from a request on tumblr from user baar-ur, to write something for javi based on the line from the 24 hour monologue, "why did you have to love me [like that]? why did you have to love me back?"...“Why did you have to love me?”It came out as a whisper and it felt like a scream. Your breath was shuddering out as you blinked back at him.“I’m sorry, I just—” You had finally focused on more than just his face in the door frame, and noticed stacks of boxes in an empty living room behind him— “Are you leaving?”
Relationships: Javier Peña/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	i only lie when i wish it was the truth

He’d been staring at you for almost a full minute now. Complete silence filled both Javier’s house and the street behind you. You stood on either side of the threshold to his home. It was like everything had slowed to a pause around you, even the birds had stopped chirping and the wind stopped blowing. Nothing else mattered beyond the two of you. Best friends, staring each other down.

You hadn’t calmed down from the rush that sent you running to his house and your breathing was still labored, your mouth hanging partly open as you waited for Javier to say something.

As the seconds ticked on, your nerves increased. You were so confident to begin with, but now? Now you didn’t know. You were beginning to doubt that you had even said the words, even though they were still replaying in your head. 

_ “I love you, Javi. I have for a long time.” _

You stepped back, retreating closer to the steps down from the porch. This was a bad idea. You shouldn’t have come here. Ever since Javier had started dating Lorraine, the two of you had drifted apart. 

That didn’t stop you from being part of the wedding party, albeit a small role. 

Javier had mentioned wanting you to be his ‘best woman’ a couple of times, both before he was in a relationship, and while he was dating her. But both of you knew that wouldn’t fly. Especially in Laredo. Nevertheless, you were all dressed up and ready to be one of the readers, waiting for the ceremony to begin, when Chucho came into the church, walked down the aisle, and announced that the wedding wouldn’t be happening. 

The look on his face was one you’d never forget. Chucho had been like a second father to you growing up, and you were familiar with just about every one of his expressions. This one was new, full of sadness, frustration, guilt, regret, and the strained appearance of disappointment. 

Chucho clearly didn’t want to be the one everyone had to ask questions to, but he suddenly was the main event of the day and was attempting to leave the building as everyone stood up and chaos ensued. 

You had taken the moment to slip out one of the side doors you knew about only because growing up here, Javier and you used to sneak out during church to steal snacks from the community building next door where everyone would go after the service to socialize with the town. 

Lorraine had been getting ready in the bride’s room off the narthex, so you slipped out the door and ran around the building, entering again through the front doors and knocking on the room where she should have been. 

One of the bridesmaids, Shelley, Lorraine’s youngest sister, opened the door and you could hear crying coming from behind the door of the bathroom. Shelley’s eyes widened, and she whispered out  _ “You shouldn’t be here _ ,” before closing the door in your face. 

You knew Javier had driven to the chapel with the groomsmen, mostly his cousins and one of his college roommates, but you had hardly seen them all morning. Somehow, even though you were Javier’s best friend, you had been relegated to a backstage role. 

Out in the parking lot, you found the groomsmen and when you approached them Danny looked up and walked over to you.

“How’s everyone handling it in there?” He had asked.

“Not well, it’s a lot to take in,” you said. “What the hell happened?”

“I don’t think anyone really knows. We were all ready to go in, and he turned to us and said he couldn’t do it. He at least had the decency to burst into Lorraine’s room and break up with her to her face.”

“Jesus,” you breathed out. “Where is he now?”

“Don’t know. He ran out here and took the car and drove off.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m gonna go look for him, I guess. Lorraine and her sisters don’t want my help in there, so I might as well try to find him, want to come along?” Danny had become enough of a friend to you over the years. Javier’s younger cousin was like a little brother to him. The days you spent hanging around the Peña's ranch like you were just another one of the family had gotten you familiar with much of those close to Javier and Chucho. 

“I should probably stay here, help Chucho with everyone.”

“Right.”

You had first checked the ranch and Javier’s house, and then all of his favorite trails. And you had popped your head into every bar in town and still not found him. Chucho had found you at 10pm wandering the park you used to go to growing up.

“ _ Mija _ , you have to go home and sleep. If he doesn’t want to talk, he’s not going to.” 

And you had burst into tears in Chucho’s arms. 

“I love him, Chucho, I love him and I was okay with Lorraine, just to see him happy and now he’s gone and—”

“I know.”

“What?”

“I know you love him, but whatever’s going on with him right now is beyond you and me. It has to do with Javier and Javier alone. You being out late at night isn’t going to help anyone.”

You nodded and let him walk you to your car. 

You had found Javier at the bar the next evening, and you didn’t say a word to each other as you sat down next to him and drank bottle after bottle of beer. The next day you showed up at the ranch after work and found Javi in the stables, saddling up to go on a ride out into the open country. He helped you saddle a horse and while you hadn’t ridden in years, you followed him out through the rolling hills for two hours before he stopped. 

It was then that you got a good look at his eyes for the first time. There was a sadness there you hadn’t seen before. 

“What happened?” You asked.

“I couldn’t do it.” Javier had said. He dismounted and you followed, leading your horses to a safe spot and settling down on the ground. You think he just wanted to sit outside and look at the sky for a while. You could do that. You just hated that he wasn’t talking much.

Things had been like that for the past month. Sometimes you’d see him, but he was a shell and it didn’t ever feel like you were ever spending time with your best friend. 

But last night you had a dream where Javier had withdrawn so much that he just disappeared from everyone’s lives. And you had never gotten the chance to tell him how you felt. Which is why you had rushed to your car when you woke up, and almost sped to get to Javier’s house. 

He was still looking at you as you took that step back. And only then did you see something churning behind his eyes. The first sign that he had heard your words. And that scared you. 

But not as much as the words that came out of his mouth next. 

“Why did  _ you _ have to love me?”

It came out as a whisper and it felt like a scream. Your breath was shuddering out as you blinked back at him.

“I’m sorry, I just—” You had finally focused on more than just his face in the door frame, and noticed stacks of boxes in an empty living room behind him— “Are you leaving?”

“Y/N, I—”

“Javier, are you leaving or not? That’s a yes or no,” you said. It felt like everything was closing in around you. You had just confessed your love to a man who’s entire home was packed up in boxes and had hardly spoken to you in the past month.

“I am, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I thought it would be easier.” Javier shook his head, running his hand through his hair, a habit you knew to be one of frustration.

“Easier? Easier not to tell anyone? Not to tell your  _ best friend? _ So you were just going to disappear from Laredo without a word, because it would be  _ easier for you _ ? Did you ever stop to fucking  _ think _ how that would feel?”

“I was going to leave a note—”

“A  _ note _ ?” You exclaimed. “And here I thought you were a decent person. Who at the very least cared about the people around him. But apparently not. I’m here pouring out my heart to someone I thought I knew but don’t at all. Where the fuck are you even going?”

“Colombia. I just, I wasn’t going to tell you because I knew you would react like this,” Javier said, changing the topic before you were even able to let the reality of how far he was going sink in. “I knew it would hurt too much. For you and me both. And then you had to show up and drop a bomb like that.”

He was too calm. You were fuming, your internal energy too much for your body that you didn’t know whether to yell or run or punch him. Or maybe all three. And he was just standing there, looking tired and sad and sorry. 

“Why did you have to love me back?” Javier whispered, almost as if he thought you wouldn’t be able to hear it. 

And that sucked all the energy from your body. 

“Love you back?” you asked. 

He nodded. “I wasn’t going to tell you I was leaving because it hurt too much to say goodbye. But I knew that at least you didn’t love me back so it wasn’t going to make this any harder than it needed to be. But then you had to come here and…”

He trailed off and you didn’t know what to say. If he hadn’t just told you he was planning on leaving you without a word, you might have kissed him. But now you weren’t so sure.

“What are you going to do now?” You asked.

“My flight to Houston leaves in two hours.”

“So you’re just gonna go. Like that. We both love each other and you’re going to walk away from me. And you were going to do it without even telling me.” With every word, your anger spiked a bit more.

He nodded again, and you thought you might have seen the glint of a tear in his eye, but he didn’t show any other emotions. 

“I bet this is why you didn’t go through with Lorraine,” you laughed bitterly. “You’re a liar and you couldn’t even tell her you were leaving the fucking country a month after you planned to marry her.”

And that’s when Javier snapped. His whole facade crumbled and he stepped out of his house onto the porch towards you. 

“I didn’t go through with Lorraine because I loved someone else. And it wasn’t fair to her. I loved you.” His voice was loud, and it might have woken up some neighbors but you wouldn’t have noticed. Not with the anger coursing through your body. “And I took the job after the wedding date.”

“You know what? Javi?” you yelled. You took another step back and towards the steps. You were ready to leave. “Fuck you. You’re a self-centered asshole. I spent years thinking you were the best person in my whole life, and it turns out you’d rather take the easy way out of  _ everything  _ and hurt innumerable people, just to avoid dealing with your fucking feelings. Go fuck off to Colombia. And don’t think you can come back and things are going to be the same. Because I might  _ love _ you, but I hate you so much more.”

Tears streamed down your face as you ran into your car, trying not to look back at Javier who was still standing on the porch. 

The last words you said were a lie. You could never  _ hate _ Javier, but you sure as hell didn’t like him in that moment. Later, when you calmed down, you would regret those being the last words you said to him. Later, you would frantically drive over to the Peña’s ranch, and sitting on a barstool at the kitchen island, you’d cry your eyes out to Chucho as the two of you drank large glasses of whiskey. Danny and a couple others came by that night too. 

Javier hadn’t told anyone he was leaving. 

The next morning you would decide that you wouldn’t be in Laredo when Javier came back. If he ever did. He wasn’t worth your time anymore.

And most of all, you planned to leave because you knew if you saw him again, you’d forgive him in a heartbeat.


End file.
